Browsed by
Author: Chris Towndrow

Playwright & author. Three professional adult pantos have sold out their runs in Guildford in the past 3 years. Currently planning for 2017.
No Way Forward – Ch.1

No Way Forward – Ch.1

‘Shields!’ The urgency of the command was not lost on the Ensign, but he was nevertheless fractionally too late to prevent the first blast reverberating through the ship. ‘Shields, Ensign. Now!’ repeated the authoritative voice, but by then the command was superfluous. The fingers dancing over the keypad had already entered the required sequence, and the force field was activated. ‘Shields up, Captain,’ informed the Ensign. Captain Jol Markson turned from the viewscreen to face his First Officer. ‘Damage?’ ‘Hull…

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World Records That Missed The Cut

World Records That Missed The Cut

Competition for inclusion in the Guinness Book Of Records is always fierce, and some achievements go unnoticed, to the detriment of the talented people who have set down many great milestones. We are proud to hail the following feats which missed the cut for the 2017 Edition.   Most Snakes Fondled In 1 Hour (Non-Venomous) 197 by Mr. F. Silverman of Newport, Gwent.   Most Snakes Fondled In 1 Hour (Venomous) 14 by Mr. A. Simons (dec.) of Newtown, Powys….

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The Real Jamie Oliver

The Real Jamie Oliver

The Real Jamie Oliver Jamie Oliver was born Margaret Ig in deepest revolutionary France some fortyfew years ago. His early years were spent living in a lake, where his parents has taken up residence to avoid the all-pervading strains of Charles Aznavour records. At the age of five and barely out of nappies, his childhood was traumatised by the sudden arrest of his father on charges of making sexual overtures towards a pickled herring. At the trial, his father, Ernest…

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How Many Yellows Are There?

How Many Yellows Are There?

“How Many Yellows Are There?” ‘There are seventeen,’ said the salesman. Cameron Beg nodded. ‘Would you like to see the colour chart?’ continued the salesman, Simon Gillfish. Gillfish was a slim man with a penchant for icing sugar, and would be thirty-six in four years time. He reached onto the wall-mounted rack and pulled out the folded glossy, opening it out so that his customer could see. Beg’s eye roved over the small squares which were set in a single…

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The New Flag

The New Flag

The New Flag ‘What about a buffalo?’ asked Grig, shaven-headed focus of the New Flag Committee. ‘Buffalo?’ Jones, the smartly-dressed Home Minister was perplexed. ‘You know, a nice big fierce buffalo. In profile.’ ‘What does that represent?’ asked Bell, the Foreign Minister. ‘Well, buffaloes,’ said Grig. Bell furrowed his deep brow and took another sip of what should have been coffee but wasn’t. He needed a moment to think, make sure he wasn’t missing something. Polonius Grig was a respected…

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Igbad’s Rollerblading Stunts

Igbad’s Rollerblading Stunts

Igbad’s Rollerblading Stunts In 2011, Tarik Igbad of the Czech Republic was crowned World Rollerblading Champion. Little is known of this diminutive and foreign genius, but his enthusiasm and dedication to his craft are an example for rollerbladers everywhere. In 1997 at the age of fifteen, Tarik’s father sold all the family’s worldly possessions to buy his only son the present of his dreams. Initially, Tarik’s progress was slow, and his father began to have second thoughts about his decision,…

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Drominivich’s Fourth

Drominivich’s Fourth

Drominivich’s Fourth The works of little-known composer Ilya Drominivich, often regarded as impenetrably complex in their orchestration, have been the subject of little enlightening scrutinisation since his death in 1975. Now, however, a critical dissection of his most under-performed work, the dark Fourth Symphony, has been uncovered. The reviewer, music journalist Arnold Hiccup, analysed all Drominivich’s works, but this article, shedding light on one of the Isle Of Man composer’s later masterpieces, gives the most insight into the life and…

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Weather Ant

Weather Ant

Weather Ant For many generations, mankind has sought to forecast the weather, whether it be for personal interest or the public good. To put the latest development into context, we must briefly look at how weather forecasting has evolved through history. The United Kingdom provides the sternest examination of the forecaster’s art, with its unique location and dreadfully dull inhabitants who seem unduly preoccupied with the clemency or otherwise of the conditions. Early cave paintings discovered in Bromley in 1976…

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Sacred Ground – opening

Sacred Ground – opening

Chapter 1 “I could get my sidearm and end it all now. It’s so close. The locker’s just behind me.” He turned his head indolently until his gaze fell upon the row of three grey floor-standing cabinets. The rightmost closed door glared at him. “But you can see it. That’s the problem.” He faced forwards again. “You can see it. I could…I could say goodbye and let you not see it. I could say goodbye and then do it.” The…

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Advanced Sexual Positions

Advanced Sexual Positions

“The Illuminator” Good for  :  Reducing the “To Do” list Not recommended for  :  Use outdoors, overweight couples The man stands on the chair (recommend a sturdy kitchen-type chair, no wheels or cushions) with his buttocks against the chair back. The woman gets onto the chair and stands facing away from the man. The woman bends over until her back is at a 45 degree angle. When the man has attained a comfortable position, he changes the light bulb.   “The Surf…

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Alphabet Soup

Alphabet Soup

Alphabet Soup   Tallyjohn sighed. It was getting late and they had barely made any progress. He could see the hints of frustration etching into Quiggle’s face as he sank into the chair. Tallyjohn tapped his fingers agitatedly on the meeting room’s plain round table. Quiggle sat down opposite him. ‘This is like painting the Forth Bridge,’ he sighed. ‘The what?’ asked Tallyjohn. It was 1487 and the Forth Bridge hadn’t been built yet. ‘Never mind,’ replied the blonde-eyebrowed Quiggle,…

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The Anderson Dreams

The Anderson Dreams

The Anderson Dreams Recently uncovered in a disused well in Chad, two audio tapes give a great insight into the mind of impresario and noted Suffolk chipmunk breeder Kookie Anderson. Anderson has denied any knowledge of the tapes, or of possibly trying to conceal them, but voice analysis experts agree that the tapes are indeed self-recorded transcriptions of his dreams, probably occurring between June 1975 and March 1978. Here we present some of the highlights.   ‘I dreamt that I…

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Selected Addenda

Selected Addenda

Selected Addenda We’re all fallible. Even newspapers, those denizens of truth and equanimity, sometimes get things wrong. Here are just a few of the apologies that have been printed over recent years.   ‘In yesterday’s edition, we stated that Australia’s GDP growth for 2000-1 was 0.9%. It was in fact 0.8%.’ The Guardian, 11.12.2011   ‘Yesterday we reported that Mr. T. Hulme, currently on trial at the Old Bailey for murder, had no previous criminal record. It is the case…

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The Rich List

The Rich List

The Rich List The annual publication of the UK “Rich List” is an eagerly awaited occasion, with much journalistic attention being given to its upper echelons. This, however, ignores the achievements of some of its less well-publicised members. In order to go some way to redress this balance, there follows an excerpt from the 2017 List.   Ranked No. 1876 J. Simon Harpenden, Bricklayer Just pipped by the Spum brothers, Mr Harpenden has nevertheless had a very successful year, if…

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2.45 at Chepstow

2.45 at Chepstow

2.45 at Chepstow   ‘Well Tony, a lot of excitement about this race coming up.’ ‘Yes, and a big crowd here today for what should be a real test of Digger’s comeback after his long spell out of racing.’ ‘Indeed. A lot of people really keen to see Max Digger back on form after that horrific bathroom cabinet accident eight months ago. And today at Chepstow he’s got the horse to do it on.’ ‘Absolutely, Carl. Lager And Cheesecake is…

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The Gardener

The Gardener

The Gardener   ‘Step into the drawing room, would you, Harman.’ ‘Certainly, Mr. Wilkes.’ The gardener removed his cap, carefully wiped his boots on the rough mat by the back door, and made his way to the opulent room, its cool shade a relief from his labours. Quickly he was joined by his employer, dressed as usual in his tweed three piece suit. There was a moment’s silence, and Harman was a little apprehensive, being unused to an invitation into…

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Time’s Arrow

Time’s Arrow

Time’s Arrow   17.7.2005 ‘Did you see the news last night?’ asked Elaine. ‘No,’ replied Cathy, ‘What happened?’ It was just after eleven o’clock and the two women were enjoying their weekly coffee at Franco’s in Richmond. It was a sunny day, but Cathy had still been troubled by the unusual anxiety that seemed to wash across all the faces she passed on her way over from her home in Sunbeam Crescent. ‘Well,’ said Elaine, setting down her cup and…

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The way of the Dodo

The way of the Dodo

The way of the Dodo Every year, more species on this wonderful and diverse planet pass into extinction, many without record or even a proper wake. To go some way to redressing that balance, there follows a list of some of the more remarkable creatures that have graced this world whose last examples shuffled off this mortal coil between 1990 and 2015.   Jellup’s Horse Discovered in Uruguay by Quincy Jellup in 1778, this creature bore all the hallmarks of…

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Infamous Last Words

Infamous Last Words

Infamous Last Words Last words are often overlooked and sometimes misquoted. Here is some attempt to set records straight.   “Or is it MC-cubed?” Albert Einstein   “I meant – no tongues.” Lord Nelson   “Bugger.” General Custer   “…” Marcel Marceau   “I told you – I prefer the stalls.” Abraham Lincoln   “The Grim Reaper, I presume.” H.M.Stanley   “On second thoughts, it’s a bit chilly out here. Now – oh, I’m lost.” Captain Oates   “Yes, I…

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Martian Wedding Anniversaries

Martian Wedding Anniversaries

Martian Wedding Anniversaries The following is the official list of gifts due to Martian couples. 1st : Rock 2nd : Rock 3rd : Rock 4th : Rock 5th : Rock 6th : Rock 7th : Rock 8th : Rock 9th : Rock 10th : Rock 11th : Rock 12th : Rock 13th : Rock 14th : Rock 15th : Rock 16th : Rock 17th : Rock 18th : Rock 19th : Rock 20th : Rock 21st : Rock 22nd : Rock 23rd : Rock 24th : Rock 25th : Carbon Dioxide crystals No Martian marriage has yet lasted past 25 years. In fact, few…

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Vignette – “House Arrest”

Vignette – “House Arrest”

Vignette – “House Arrest” Okay then, bye! Humph. Bastards. When they leave the dog behind, they say goodbye to that. But not me. Oh no. After all, what am I to them? Only their roof, their walls, their floor. Their comfort, their security. The thing that divides them from mere animals. Except the dog. Bloody dog. At least they took it this time. Can’t abide it running around inside, making me rock, making all that bloody racket for no reason….

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Short story – “Rude Awakening”

Short story – “Rude Awakening”

Short story – “Rude Awakening” He couldn’t understand where the noise was coming from. The meadow was perfect Englishness – the grass almost too green, the sun high in the sky, the birds playing their tune. On the rug beside him, Kristen Scott Thomas, evidently oblivious to the cacophony that was raging, was waiting for him to kiss her again. Something soft behind his head, yet he was sitting up. Something warm over his legs, yet he wore shorts. An…

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