“Tow Away Zone” – Sample
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“Go Away Zone” – Sample
‘I thought it would have been shinier.’ ‘What?’ Lolita raised a single eyebrow in the way that, weeks ago, Beckman felt only she could, before remembering that all women had some form of “Really, dufus?” disguised as something less overtly condescending / challenging / disbelieving*. (* delete as applicable). He pressed on regardless. ‘I…
“Imperfect Isolation” – Sample
Jana was beginning to think that yesterday would have been a better day for it. But then, yesterday was a school day, so it had been out of the question. Maybe they should just have gone to the zoo. Her boots sank a full twenty centimetres into the snow. Left. Crunch. Right. Crunch. As…
“Reprisals” – Sample
‘Supposing I said “Yes”?’ ‘That’s the general idea.’ ‘How long have we known each other?’ ‘Five months, three weeks, six days.’ ‘Could you at least try to not appear desperate?’ ‘Not funny.’ ‘How many women have there been in your life? To the nearest, say, ten?’ ‘Five.’ ‘You are so kidding.’ ‘I am deadly…
“Sacred Ground” – Sample
“I could get my sidearm and end it all now. It’s so close. The locker’s just behind me.” He turned his head indolently until his gaze fell upon the row of three grey floor-standing cabinets. The rightmost door glared at him. “But you can see it. That’s the problem.” He faced forwards again. “You…
The Real Jamie Oliver
Jamie Oliver was born Margaret Ig in deepest revolutionary France some fortyfew years ago. His early years were spent living in a lake, where his parents has taken up residence to avoid the all-pervading strains of Charles Aznavour records. At the age of five and barely out of nappies, his childhood was traumatised by…
How Many Yellows Are There?
‘There are seventeen,’ the salesman said. Cameron Beg nodded. ‘Would you like to see the colour chart?’ continued the salesman, Simon Gillfish. Gillfish was a slim man with a penchant for icing sugar, and would be thirty-six in four years time. He reached onto the wall-mounted rack and pulled out the folded glossy, opening…
The New Flag
‘What about a buffalo?’ asked Grig, shaven-headed focus of the New Flag Committee. ‘Buffalo?’ Jones, the smartly-dressed Home Minister was perplexed. ‘You know, a nice big fierce buffalo. In profile.’ Bell, the Foreign Minister, furrowed his brow. ‘What does that represent?’ ‘Well, buffaloes,’ Grig said. Bell furrowed his deep brow and took another sip…
Drominivich’s Fourth
The works of little-known composer Ilya Drominivich, often regarded as impenetrably complex in their orchestration, have been the subject of little enlightening scrutinisation since his death in 1975. Now, however, a critical dissection of his most under-performed work, the dark Fourth Symphony, has been uncovered. The reviewer, music journalist Arnold Hiccup, analysed all Drominivich’s…
Alphabet Soup
Tallyjohn sighed. It was getting late and they had barely made any progress. He could see the hints of frustration etching into Quiggle’s face as he sank into the chair. Tallyjohn, the King’s Master Of Letters, tapped his fingers agitatedly on the meeting room’s plain round table. Quiggle sat down opposite. ‘This is like…
Igbad’s Rollerblading Stunts
In 2018, Tarik Igbad of the Czech Republic was crowned World Rollerblading Champion. Little is known of this diminutive and foreign genius, but his enthusiasm and dedication to his craft are an example for rollerbladers everywhere. In 1997 at the age of fifteen, Tarik’s father sold all the family’s worldly possessions to buy his…
Weather Ant
For many generations, mankind has sought to forecast the weather, whether it be for personal interest or the public good. To put the latest development into context, we must briefly look at how weather forecasting has evolved through history. The United Kingdom provides the sternest examination of the forecaster’s art, with its unique location…
The Anderson Dreams
Recently uncovered in a disused well in Chad, two audio tapes give a great insight into the mind of impresario and noted Suffolk chipmunk breeder Kookie Anderson. Anderson has denied any knowledge of the tapes, or of possibly trying to conceal them, but voice analysis experts agree that the tapes are indeed self-recorded transcriptions…
The Gardener
‘Step into the drawing room, would you, Harman.’ ‘Certainly, Mr. Wilkes.’ The gardener removed his cap, carefully wiped his boots on the rough mat by the back door, and made his way to the opulent room, its cool shade a relief from his labours. Quickly he was joined by his employer, dressed as usual…
The way of the Dodo
Every year, more species on this wonderful and diverse planet pass into extinction, many without record or even a proper wake. To go some way to redressing that balance, there follows a list of some of the more remarkable creatures that have graced this world whose last examples shuffled off this mortal coil between…
The Rich List
The annual publication of the UK “Rich List” is an eagerly awaited occasion, with much journalistic attention being given to its upper echelons. This, however, ignores the achievements of some of its less well-publicised members. In order to go some way to redress this balance, there follows an excerpt from the 2017 List. Ranked…
2.45 at Chepstow
‘Well Tony, a lot of excitement about this race coming up.’ ‘Yes, and a big crowd here today for what should be a real test of Digger’s comeback after his long spell out of racing.’ ‘Indeed. A lot of people really keen to see Max Digger back on form after that horrific bathroom cabinet…
Advanced Sexual Positions
“The Illuminator” Good for : Reducing the “To Do” list Not recommended for : Use outdoors, overweight couples The man stands on the chair (recommend a sturdy kitchen-type chair, no wheels or cushions) with his buttocks against the chair back. The woman gets onto the chair and stands facing away from the man. The woman…
Martian Wedding Anniversaries
The following is the official list of gifts due to Martian couples. 1st : Rock 2nd : Rock 3rd : Rock 4th : Rock 5th : Rock 6th : Rock 7th : Rock 8th : Rock 9th : Rock 10th : Rock 11th : Rock 12th : Rock 13th : Rock 14th : Rock…
Vignette – “House Arrest”
Okay then, bye! Humph. Bastards. When they leave the dog behind, they say goodbye to that. But not me. Oh no. After all, what am I to them? Only their roof, their walls, their floor. Their comfort, their security. The thing that divides them from mere animals. Except the dog. Bloody dog. At least…
Short story – “Rude Awakening”
He couldn’t understand where the noise was coming from. The meadow was perfect Englishness – the grass almost too green, the sun high in the sky, the birds playing their tune. On the rug beside him, Kristen Scott Thomas, evidently oblivious to the cacophony that was raging, was waiting for him to kiss her…