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Tag: humour writing

How Many Yellows Are There?

How Many Yellows Are There?

‘There are seventeen,’ said the salesman.  Cameron Beg nodded.  ‘Would you like to see the colour chart?’ continued the salesman, Simon Gillfish.  Gillfish was a slim man with a penchant for icing sugar, and would be thirty-six in four years time. He reached onto the wall-mounted rack and pulled out the folded glossy, opening it to allow his customer to see. Beg’s eye roved over the small coloured squares set in a single row across the middle of the pamphlet….

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The New Flag

The New Flag

‘What about a buffalo?’ asked Grig, shaven-headed focus of the New Flag Committee. ‘Buffalo?’ Jones, the smartly-dressed Home Minister was perplexed. ‘You know, a nice big fierce buffalo. In profile.’ ‘What does that represent?’ asked Bell, the Foreign Minister. ‘Well, buffaloes,’ said Grig. Bell furrowed his deep brow and took another sip of what should have been coffee but wasn’t. He needed a moment to think, make sure he wasn’t missing something. Polonius Grig was a respected flag designer, and…

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Drominivich’s Fourth

Drominivich’s Fourth

The works of little-known composer Ilya Drominivich, often regarded as impenetrably complex in their orchestration, have been the subject of little enlightening scrutinisation since his death in 1975. Now, however, a critical dissection of his most under-performed work, the dark Fourth Symphony, has been uncovered. The reviewer, music journalist Arnold Hiccup, analysed all Drominivich’s works, but this article, shedding light on one of the Isle Of Man composer’s later masterpieces, gives the most insight into the life and mind of…

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Alphabet Soup

Alphabet Soup

Tallyjohn sighed. It was getting late and they had barely made any progress. He could see the hints of frustration etching into Quiggle’s face as he sank into the chair. Tallyjohn tapped his fingers agitatedly on the meeting room’s plain round table. Quiggle sat down opposite. ‘This is like painting the Forth Bridge,’ he sighed. ‘The what?’ asked Tallyjohn. It was 1487 and the Forth Bridge hadn’t been built yet. ‘Never mind,’ replied the blonde-eyebrowed Quiggle, Language Advisor to the…

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The Anderson Dreams

The Anderson Dreams

Recently uncovered in a disused well in Chad, two audio tapes give a great insight into the mind of impresario and noted Suffolk chipmunk breeder Kookie Anderson. Anderson has denied any knowledge of the tapes, or of possibly trying to conceal them, but voice analysis experts agree that the tapes are indeed self-recorded transcriptions of his dreams, probably occurring between June 1975 and March 1978. Here we present some of the highlights.  ‘I dreamt that I was eating my own…

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The Rich List

The Rich List

The annual publication of the UK “Rich List” is an eagerly awaited occasion, with much journalistic attention being given to its upper echelons. This, however, ignores the achievements of some of its less well-publicised members. In order to go some way to redress this balance, there follows an excerpt from the 2017 List.     Ranked No. 1876 J. Simon Harpenden, Bricklayer Just pipped by the Spum brothers, Mr Harpenden has nevertheless had a very successful year, if a sad…

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2.45 at Chepstow

2.45 at Chepstow

‘Well Tony, a lot of excitement about this race coming up.’ ‘Yes, and a big crowd here today for what should be a real test of Digger’s comeback after his long spell out of racing.’ ‘Indeed. A lot of people really keen to see Max Digger back on form after that horrific bathroom cabinet accident eight months ago. And today at Chepstow he’s got the horse to do it on.’ ‘Absolutely, Carl. Lager And Cheesecake is on a good run…

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Advanced Sexual Positions

Advanced Sexual Positions

“The Illuminator” Good for  :  Reducing the “To Do” list Not recommended for  :  Use outdoors, overweight couples The man stands on the chair (recommend a sturdy kitchen-type chair, no wheels or cushions) with his buttocks against the chair back. The woman gets onto the chair and stands facing away from the man. The woman bends over until her back is at a 45 degree angle. When the man has attained a comfortable position, he changes the light bulb.   “The Surf…

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